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So far I've submitted
away messages, and they've been used a total of
times. Here are my messages...
Today we salute you Mr. Discount Airline Pilot Guy
Your minimum experience flying a plane
Will never land you at a reputable airline.
Luckily, you don't work for one.
(look at me I'm flying)
Sure we're concerned for our lives,
But not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a round trip to Fort Myers
The most direct route to Houston?
Through Fort Lauderdale.
With layovers in Detroit, Vancouver, and Kalamazoo.
(I can't feel my legs)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Skipper of the Skies.
You put the FLY,
In Fly-By-Night Operation.
We Salute You
Today we salute you Mr. Deer-Hunter.
You, the burly man with the tattoos from 1984 have proven to the world that yes,
A human being wearing camouflaged clothing with scent stopping fibers,
Night vision goggles,
A three thousand foot viewing scope,
A fifteen thousand dollar military sniper rifle,
And tank-armor piercing bullets,
Can indeed kill a female deer drinking from a stream.
You have proven that not only can ducks and turkeys be stopped by your quick hand and pinpoint accurate shot,
But so can black bears and even mountain lions.
So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Mr. Outdoor-sie,
Because we all know,
It is men like you that will conquer this world of primal beasts and animals,
Until, of course, Wal-Mart runs out of bullets.
We Salute You
Today we salute you, Mr. Athletic Groin Protector Inventor.
People love to play sports,
But they don't love it when they get hit in the twig and berries.
For years cringing fans watched as man after man went down,
But then you came along and said,
"Here, stick this in your pants."
(Nice to meet you)
The arrant headbutt.
The inside fastball.
The wayward high-five.
All no match for your crash helmet.
(oh bring it onnn)
Sure, some athletes shun them,
But don't worry,
they'll come around.
(show us the way)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light,
Protector of the Package,
And know that we're just nuts about you.
Today we salute you,
Mr. Backyard Bug Zapper Inventor.
Not content to harmlessly repel insects with lotion,
You discovered a way to fry them with electricity until their bodies explode.
Ah the sounds of summer:
The blood-curdling scream of a moth having 700 volts of electricity shooting through its body.
(music to my ears)
Every night a magical explosion of exoskeleton and insect goo that can only mean one thing:
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. June Bug Blaster,
Then sit back, and watch the fireworks.
Today we salute you, Mr. Baseball Designated Hitter.
Baseball is an intricate game of skill, strategy, and athleticism.
Except for you,
You just whomp the ball.
(whomp that ball now)
What's it like to be a professional baseball player who doesn't even need to own a glove?
(you're a staaaar)
Still, we'd rather see you up at the plate than some pitcher with a career batting average of .001.
(couldn't hit a beach ball)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Sir On-The-Bench-A-Lot,
Because fielding, throwing, and running..
Are overrated anyway.
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