Badass Profile Tweaks
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So far I've submitted
away messages, and they've been used a total of
times. Here are my messages...
Today we salute you Mr. All You Can Eat Buffet Inventor
You've given us the real American dream:
15 feet of food.
And a little sign that says: Go Nuts Buddy
(pinch me I'm dreamin')
Pushing side dish innovation to its limits
You offer creamed everything
And 400 flavors of gelatin
If there's beef, you'll chip it
If there's chicken, you'll fry it
And if there's gravy
Well then everything's going to be okay.
(thank God for the gravy)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Buffet Boy
You know the way to a man's heart
And a few hundred tasty ways to challenge it.
Today we salute you Mr. Artificial Tree Maker.
Nothing brings out the holiday spirit quite like a giant steel pole with nine feet of green pipe cleaners attached to it.
(looks so natural)
Your wonderful tree is available in all the glorious colors nature has to offer:
And blazing hot pink.
Thanks to you
We are no longer forced to venture out into the cold, damp steel pole forest
To chop down our own fake tree
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Purveyor of the Pine
Your trees may lean wildly to the left But your heart is always in the right place.
Today we salute you Mr. Garden Gnome Maker.
Anyone can dress up a yard with a shrub
Or some gladiolas.
But it takes real guts to use a small, brightly colored ceramic man.
(youuuu're the maaan)
And what says Welcome To Our Home
Like a dwarf in the hedges.
Many a night,
You've slaved over a hot ceramic man-maker
Knowing somewhere There was a lonely pink flamingo
Or a cement frog
Who needed a buddy.
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Master of Miniatures
Because as all Americans know:
A home isn't a home,
Without a gnome.
Today we salute you Mr. Giant Foam Finger Maker.
Our teams would be in 6th or 7th place
And feel as if they were in 6th or 7th place
(can you feel it?)
Carefully you craft uncanny representations of actual human hands
So that we may wave them annoyingly in the faces of our rivals
(in your faaace)
They're enormous, yes.
Yet one size fits all.
(raise 'em to the sky nowww)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Foam Finger Maker
And know we speak for sports fans everywhere we we say:
You're number one.
We Salute You
Today we salute you Mr. Exotic Cowboy Boot Wearer.
If you can shoot it
Or hit it with your truck,
You can turn it into fine footwear
(I'm wearin' roadkill)
What a beautiful creature, you say
Imagine how much better it would look With my foot up its rear.
(I need a shoehorn)
For most people a trip to the zoo is a fun family outing
(how much for the llama)
For you, it's shoe shopping
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Exotic Cowboy Boot Wearer
If your feet are bare,
Every species is endangered.
Chuck Norris Away Messages
We Salute You
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