by: shoft   (08/28/2008)

Just got my new Chinese cook book: "100 Ways to Wok a Dog"

by: take a chacne239   (08/28/2008)

One night a guy & a girl were driving home from the movies. The boy sensed there was something wrong because of the painful silence they shared between them that night. The girl then asked the boy to pull over because she wanted to talk. She told him that her feelings had changed & that it was time to move on. A silent tear slid down his cheek as he slowly reached into his pocket & passed her a folded note. At that moment, a drunk driver was speeding down that very same street. He swerved right into the drivers seat, killing the boy. Miraculously, the girl survived. Remembering the note, she pulled it out & read it. "Without your love, I would die."

by: kate28   (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you Mr. Fake Tattoo Inventor.
Through the miracle of hypoallergenic adhesives,
You transform us from mild mannered accountants
Into roadhouse biker hooligans
(hoooligan)
Be it screaming skull,
Or thrashing tiger,
You've got a temporary alter-ego for any occasion.
(flaming dragon)
What else says "I love you, mom"
Like a heart with a sword through it?
(you know I love you momma)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Fake Tattoo Inventor Guy.
We may not have been born to ride,
But thanks to you,
We can feel like it.

by: kate28   (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Giant Inflatable Pink Gorilla Maker.
The automotive industry's most convincing marketing tool:
The giant gas-filled pink gorilla.
(a slow-jumping monkey)
Factory rebates.
0% financing.
Poppycock.
Nothing sells cars like a helium happy primate.
(you said it brother)
Why a gorilla?
Because who'd buy a car from a dealer with a giant inflatable hamster?
(not gonna buy it)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh King of the Automotive Jungle.
When we say "you're the greatest,"
We're not just blowing hot air.

by: kate28   (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Foot Long Hot Dog Inventor.
When conventional wisdom said no one could make a hot dog longer than six inches,
You dared to dream.
(dared to dream)
You knew the limitations of a regular sized hot dog bun,
And you ignored them.
(can't stop me now)
You made a ten inch wiener,
And people cheered.
(oh!)
But you weren't satisfied.
You said, "Wait, I think I can still give you two more inches."
(gotta want it)
And so the foot long was born.
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Hot Dog Hero,
Because you gave every one of us our fondest wish:
A bigger wiener.
(thank you thank you thank you!)

by: kate28   (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Homemade Pontoon Boat Maker.
What happens when you cross ten discarded drum barrels with two sheets of plywood and a cast-aside barbecue?
A pontoon boat.
(we're boatin' and grillin')
It's a boat.
It's a dance floor.
It's a boat AND a dance floor.
(we're boatin' and dancin')
Throw up a string of tiki lights,
Hit the stereo,
Power up the blender,
And what have you got?
Way too much electricity on top of a lot of water.
(we're boating and getting-electrocuted)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Pirate of the Pontoon.
Because YOU,
Really shiver me timbers.

by: donuzzts   (08/28/2008)

I've gone to hell......I mean school.

by: kate28   (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you Mr. Forgot Her Birthday Man.
Everyone who believes he is thoughtful and always remembers birthdays please step forward.
Not so fast, Mr. Forgot Her Birthday Man.
(I thought it was next week)
You tried everything to cover it up,
But you are so busted.
No card.
No gift.
No future.
(I thought it was next month)
It'll take flowers and a large amount of cash to get out of this one
(how much cash we talkin'?)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Archduke of Amnesia.
You forgot Stephanie's birthday,
So on your knees is a good start.

by: kate28   (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Hollywood Plastic Surgeon.
Great actors are born, not made.
And when they're born with a big fat honking shnoz,
You are there.
(a-doctor can ya help me)
It's a tough town that demands talent,
And talent can't be bought,
But a huge set of distracting knockers can.
(big giant knockers)
A snip here.
A nip.
A tuck.
Another snip.
It takes less time to cut a major motion picture,
Then it does a major movie star.
(that's Hollywood)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Fake Moviestar Maker.
You take the suck,
Out of liposuction.

by: kate28   (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Frozen Turkey Help Line Guy.
You patiently wait by the phones,
Prepared to help us through our every crisis.
A frozen bird.
A burnt bird.
A frozen burnt bird.
(crispy on the outside)
Your first instructions:
Why didn't we read the instructions first?
(reading is overrated)
Step by step you walk us through the complicated procedure of ditching the turkey
And ordering a pizza instead.
(or maybe mushu pork)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Guru of the Gobbler.
Because the one thing we're really thankful for..
Is you.

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