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by: kate28 (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you Mr. Forgot Her Birthday Man.
Everyone who believes he is thoughtful and always remembers birthdays please step forward.
Not so fast, Mr. Forgot Her Birthday Man.
(I thought it was next week)
You tried everything to cover it up,
But you are so busted.
No card.
No gift.
No future.
(I thought it was next month)
It'll take flowers and a large amount of cash to get out of this one
(how much cash we talkin'?)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Archduke of Amnesia.
You forgot Stephanie's birthday,
So on your knees is a good start.
We Salute You
1,402 Clicks

by: kate28 (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Hollywood Plastic Surgeon.
Great actors are born, not made.
And when they're born with a big fat honking shnoz,
You are there.
(a-doctor can ya help me)
It's a tough town that demands talent,
And talent can't be bought,
But a huge set of distracting knockers can.
(big giant knockers)
A snip here.
A nip.
A tuck.
Another snip.
It takes less time to cut a major motion picture,
Then it does a major movie star.
(that's Hollywood)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Fake Moviestar Maker.
You take the suck,
Out of liposuction.
We Salute You
1,335 Clicks

by: kate28 (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Frozen Turkey Help Line Guy.
You patiently wait by the phones,
Prepared to help us through our every crisis.
A frozen bird.
A burnt bird.
A frozen burnt bird.
(crispy on the outside)
Your first instructions:
Why didn't we read the instructions first?
(reading is overrated)
Step by step you walk us through the complicated procedure of ditching the turkey
And ordering a pizza instead.
(or maybe mushu pork)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Guru of the Gobbler.
Because the one thing we're really thankful for..
Is you.
We Salute You
1,357 Clicks

by: kate28 (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Gasoline BBQ Starter.
Never mind charcoal chimneys
And easy lighting brickettes.
The only way to start a real barbecue
Is with a gallon of 93 Octane
And a big book of matches
(light up the sky)
Who needs eyebrows?
You're hungry,
And you've seven pounds of lamb shanks ready to go.
(that's a lot of kebabs)
You don't just defy convention,
You defy warning labels,
And common sense.
(very low IQ)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Prince of the Pyrotechnic.
Because no one makes a backyard mushroom cloud like you.
We Salute You
1,515 Clicks

by: kate28 (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Grocery Store Cart Wrangler.
Any weenie can stock a shelf,
But it takes a real man to wrestle an unnamed herd of jammed together grocery carts.
(gotta keep 'em movin')
There are 20 strays in the lot,
And weather's setting it.
Who's gonna bring those doggies back inside?
(who's it gonna be?)
The man in the smock and the comfortable shoes,
That's who.
(don't knock my smock)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Grocery Store Cart Wrangler.
As far as we're concerned,
You put the super,
In supermarket.
We Salute You
1,354 Clicks

by: kate28 (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Furniture Assembly Manual Writer.
Thanks to you,
People everywhere can simply purchase furniture,
Drive it home,
Open a box,
And go completely insane.
(drivin' me crazy)
Knowing we can't read Chinese, Dutch, or German,
You thoughtfully include pictures.
Pictures that look nothing like the item purchased.
(no sprechen ze Deutsch now)
Insert piece A into slot B,
Peg C into hole D,
Then curse,
And smash with hammer.
(ohh nooo)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Mistro of the Manual.
You make it so simple a monkey could do it.
A rocket scientist monkey.
(that's one smart monkey)
We Salute You
1,396 Clicks

by: kate28 (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Half-Time Shooting Contest Contestant.
For the promise of free t-shirts,
Or a year supply of socks,
You take to the court ready to put on a clinic in abject humiliation.
(take 'em to school, yeah)
You keenly sense how much the crowd yearns for your failure,
And you deliver.
(from DOWNTOWN yeah)
It's hard to make a shot from half-court,
But it's even harder to make one when you shoot like an 80-year-old grandmother.
(you're a staaaar)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Admiral of the Airball.
You may not have won that new car,
But you won something a lot more valuable,
Our hearts.
We Salute You
1,496 Clicks

by: kate28 (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you Mr. Hair Gel Overgeller.
Less ambitious men stop with 2-in-1 shampoo,
But you put in countless hours,
Tireless dedication,
And a five gallon drum of industrial adhesive.
(sticky goo)
Like a lacquered hedgehog or oily porcupine,
What woman wouldn't want to run her fingers through your razor sharp stalagmites of hair
(or is it stalagtites?)
Stray bullets.
Even repeated hammer blows.
Nothing can muss your removable mane.
(I've got a hair helmet)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Master of the Mousse.
And while you're at it,
Crack open another bucket of goo.
We Salute You
1,392 Clicks

by: kate28 (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Golfball Washer Inventor.
The time-honored game of golf
Is the sport of kings.
And kings don't play with dirty balls.
(I don't play dirty)
Because of you,
We can give our balls a sudsy tumble at every tee.
The result?
Clean, shiny balls,
Every time we whack 'em.
(flyin' hiiiigh)
Drive after drive.
Putt after putt.
Hole after hole.
Our dimpled balls stay clubhouse clean.
(keep on drivin')
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Launderer on the Links.
You are in our thoughts,
Every time we jiggle our balls.
We Salute You
1,410 Clicks

by: kate28 (08/06/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Chuck Norris!
(Mister Chuck Norris!)
You really know how to deliver a round-house kick to all those villains.
(Ouch! Why you gotta kick so hard)
You stand above the rest,
MC Hammer can't touch you.
(Cant Touch Norris)
Karate your eye Chuck,
All you need is a round-house kick,
A body bag,
And a Bud Light.
(Chuck don't hurt me!)
So sit on down on your pile of bodies, Chuck, and crack open a nice Bud Light.
We Salute You
1,361 Clicks

Total Messages: 95, Now viewing messages (51 - 60)
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