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by: Betterthanyou (11/27/2007)

Did you hear about the surfer girl whose arm got bitten off by the shark?

I asked her if she was ever gonna surf again...she said "well, on the one hand"...
1,404 Clicks

by: ?????????? (11/27/2007)

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
1,407 Clicks

by: Giovannax33 (11/15/2007)

A blond walks into Best Buy. She sees something she likes and finds the nearest clerk and asks "how much does this microwave cost?"
The clerk says "sorry, we don't sell to blonds," and shes walks out of the store quietly. Later that day, she goes home and dies her hair red. The next day she goes to the same store, finds the same item and the same clerk. She asks "How much are you selling this microwave for?"
The clerk says "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds."
The blond gets this puzzled look on her face and asks the clerk "How did you know I'm really a blond?"
And he replies "Because that is a TV."
1,410 Clicks

by: ?????????? (11/15/2007)

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
1,410 Clicks

by: ?????????? (11/15/2007)

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks... "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and then she leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy.
1,418 Clicks

by: ?????????? (11/15/2007)

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
1,419 Clicks

by: Anonymous (11/15/2007)

If you occasionally get the sudden urge to run around naked, drink some Windex.

It will keep you from streaking.
1,403 Clicks

by: ?????????? (11/08/2007)

It seems there were twin brothers by the name of Jones who lived in the same town. John was married but Joe was single. The single brother was the proud owner of a dilapidated old rowboat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that his brother's old boat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss."
Joe spoke up, saying, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of old dead fish and even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in the front and the hole kept getting bigger. Every time I used her she leaked like anything, but this is what finished her. Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time and asked if I would rent her to them. Well, I warned them that she's not so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyway. The results were the crazy fools tried to get into her all at once. It was simply too much for her. She cracked right up the middle."
That's when the old lady fainted.
1,413 Clicks

by: Jakers 748 (11/08/2007)

I tried phone sex once, and it went great. 'cept i don't have Virgin Mobile anymore....just Mobile ;)
1,405 Clicks

by: IamImpulse (10/17/2007)

Crowded elevators smell much different to a midget !
1,403 Clicks

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