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by: Anonymous (06/28/2004)

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
1,414 Clicks

by: peter parker (06/27/2004)

A guy's walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says, 'Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?'
'Are you nuts?' she replies and walks off.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?' he asks again. 'Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?'
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. 'Would you let me bite your breasts, just once for $10,000?' The woman thinks about this for a while and says, 'Hmm, $10,000? OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'
So they go to the alley and she takes off her shirt to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing, fondling, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, 'Are you gonna bite them or what?' 'Nah,' he replies. 'Costs too much!'
1,419 Clicks

by: funnyone342 (06/27/2004)

A California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer pulls over a woman for speeding. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball."

He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have Balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
1,416 Clicks

by: funnyone342 (06/25/2004)

A lady walks into a Furniture Mega Store. She browses around, then spots the perfect leather sofa and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely leather sofa?" He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
1,415 Clicks

by: Mabiz5 (06/21/2004)

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts downing them as fast as he can. The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy replies, "You'd be drinking fast if you had what I had." Naturally, the bartender asks, "What do you have?" Grinning, the man answers, "75 cents."
1,404 Clicks

by: ToontownTany (06/19/2004)

A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"
1,418 Clicks

by: Anaconda 050 (06/19/2004)


A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor, I brought this child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."

The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.

"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine, and then a Pepsi can comes out......who does the Pepsi belong to..... ?.....the machine or me?"
1,416 Clicks

by: yippyskippy260 (06/16/2004)

Chinese Proverbs
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone
2. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
3. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
4. Man with one chopstick go hungry
5. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
6. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
7. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk
8. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
9. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
10. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
11. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
12. Man who fart in church sit in own pew
13. Crowded elevator smell different to midget
1,430 Clicks

by: sportsplayer2110 (06/15/2004)

A professor was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart-ass student asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter subsided, the prof glared at the student and said, "Not an excuse -- you can use your other hand to write".
1,412 Clicks

by: SweetHomeWV (06/13/2004)

If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service, would they have to change their name to Knockers?
1,408 Clicks

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