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by: atearofsorrow (03/14/2004)

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one nearby. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Jokes
1,404 Clicks

by: Bacalhau (04/14/2008)

Bob is in the army. After 4 months of being in the army, his girlfriend sends him a letter saying she's slept with 2 guys since he's left and wants to break-up, and asks for all of the pictures he has of her to be sent back. So Bob did what any other American would do. He went around to all his army buddies and asked for pictures of girls that they wouldn't mind giving up. He then took all the pictures, some decent, some X-rated, and put them in a big envelope to send to his girlfriend with a note saying "I don't remember you. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
Jokes
1,392 Clicks

by: Soccermn6 (06/30/2005)

A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender. "I bet you $100's that I can piss in this empty bottle and not spill a single drop on the bar." The Bartender took the bet and the man whipped it out and started peeing all over the bartender and his bar. The Bartender grinning said "Why are you so happy? You just lost $100." The man replied, "Because I just bet them $500 that I could piss all over the bar and you and you wouldn't even get mad."
Jokes
1,391 Clicks

by: ?????????? (11/08/2007)

It seems there were twin brothers by the name of Jones who lived in the same town. John was married but Joe was single. The single brother was the proud owner of a dilapidated old rowboat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that his brother's old boat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss."
Joe spoke up, saying, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of old dead fish and even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in the front and the hole kept getting bigger. Every time I used her she leaked like anything, but this is what finished her. Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time and asked if I would rent her to them. Well, I warned them that she's not so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyway. The results were the crazy fools tried to get into her all at once. It was simply too much for her. She cracked right up the middle."
That's when the old lady fainted.
Jokes
1,391 Clicks

by: yippyskippy260 (06/16/2004)

Chinese Proverbs
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone
2. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
3. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
4. Man with one chopstick go hungry
5. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
6. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
7. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk
8. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
9. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
10. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
11. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
12. Man who fart in church sit in own pew
13. Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Jokes
1,381 Clicks

by: ToontownTany (06/19/2004)

A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"
Jokes
1,370 Clicks

by: chelzy609 (09/25/2006)

:::Questions not to ask in Foreign Lands::: IRELAND “Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?” FRANCE “Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?” ITALY “Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ” POLAND “Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?” GERMANY “Is this bratwurst kosher?” TURKEY “Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?” KOREA “Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?” CHINA “This wall isn’t so great.” ENGLAND “Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?” SWEDEN “Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?” YEMEN “Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?” INDIA “You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?” ETHIOPIA “After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!” CANADA “You’re like Americans without money.” SPAIN “So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?” SOUTH AFRICA “I liked it better the other way.” MEXICO “What's that smell?” SAUDI ARABIA “Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?” RUSSIA “Is it always this cold and economically devastated?” UZBEKISTAN “Can you spell Uzbekistan?” GREECE “I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy." AFGHANISTAN “Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?” JAPAN “What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?” AUSTRALIA “How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?” AMERICA “Was John Wayne gay?”
Jokes
1,370 Clicks

by: JEWJOKES (08/21/2005)

Jewsih Rules:
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice horsd'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
14. No meal is complete without leftovers.
15. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
16. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
17. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.
18. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Neiman-Marcus.
19. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
20. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
21. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
22. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
23. Next year in Jerusalem, the year after, how about a nice cruise?
24. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
25. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible. It says "Hebrews!"
Jokes
1,368 Clicks

by: bondage (07/12/2006)

Top 8 Ways To Get Kicked Out Of The Catholic Church

8. Walk up to the priest and say, "Daddy! I've finally found you!"
7. When the Eucharist is placed in your hands, run around, yelling, "AHH! IT BURNS!"
6. Go up to the person giving out the wine, take a sip and say, "Is this really Jesus' blood!?" When you get a reply of "yes", take another sip and say, "Holy crap! This guy must have been a drunk! It tastes like pure alcohol!"
5. During silent prayer time, yell out, "Hey, guys! Wasn't the book The da Vinci Code the most truthful piece of reading ever!?"
4. If you're doing the readings, before you read the scripture, look right out onto the congregation and say,"Isn't it something special that our pope used to be a Nazi!?"
3. When taking up the money box and you reach the altar, lean over and whisper into the priests ear, "Can you tell me which door would be faster to get out of so I can put this in my car?"
2. When lighting a prayer candle, light the wick and say, "Ooh! The colors!"
1. Walk into church and say, "So what about those 95 Thesis?"
Jokes
1,367 Clicks

by: Bacalhau (03/05/2008)

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Jokes
1,367 Clicks


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