away messages that dont suck
Home

Top 25 Users

Top 25 MSGs

Buddy Icons

Help

Browsing Jokes...
Sort By: Clicks | Submitter Name | Most Recent

by: Packersfreak444 † (02/12/2008)

Two boys are playing catch in Rock Creek Park when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog's neck and saving his friend.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. "Redskins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But Iím not a Redskins fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in DC I just assumed you were," said the reporter and he starts writing again.
"Captials Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack."
"I'm not a Captials fan either," the boy said.
"Oh, I assumed everyone in DC was either for the Redskins or the Captials. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard From Dallas Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Jokes
1,457 Clicks

by: RandomTask † (07/20/2006)

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Jokes
1,451 Clicks

by: chelzy609 † (09/25/2006)

:::Questions not to ask in Foreign Lands::: IRELAND “Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?” FRANCE “Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?” ITALY “Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ” POLAND “Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?” GERMANY “Is this bratwurst kosher?” TURKEY “Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?” KOREA “Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?” CHINA “This wall isn’t so great.” ENGLAND “Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?” SWEDEN “Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?” YEMEN “Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?” INDIA “You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?” ETHIOPIA “After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!” CANADA “You’re like Americans without money.” SPAIN “So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?” SOUTH AFRICA “I liked it better the other way.” MEXICO “What's that smell?” SAUDI ARABIA “Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?” RUSSIA “Is it always this cold and economically devastated?” UZBEKISTAN “Can you spell Uzbekistan?” GREECE “I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy." AFGHANISTAN “Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?” JAPAN “What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?” AUSTRALIA “How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?” AMERICA “Was John Wayne gay?”
Jokes
1,450 Clicks

by: Bacalhau † (04/14/2008)

Bob is in the army. After 4 months of being in the army, his girlfriend sends him a letter saying she's slept with 2 guys since he's left and wants to break-up, and asks for all of the pictures he has of her to be sent back. So Bob did what any other American would do. He went around to all his army buddies and asked for pictures of girls that they wouldn't mind giving up. He then took all the pictures, some decent, some X-rated, and put them in a big envelope to send to his girlfriend with a note saying "I don't remember you. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
Jokes
1,446 Clicks

by: Eric † (10/04/2006)

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. It's a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a print out: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. "Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ring worm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
Jokes
1,441 Clicks

by: Soccermn6 † (06/30/2005)

A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender. "I bet you $100's that I can piss in this empty bottle and not spill a single drop on the bar." The Bartender took the bet and the man whipped it out and started peeing all over the bartender and his bar. The Bartender grinning said "Why are you so happy? You just lost $100." The man replied, "Because I just bet them $500 that I could piss all over the bar and you and you wouldn't even get mad."
Jokes
1,439 Clicks

by: wbwhiteguy31 † (03/19/2006)

A convict escaped from prison and broke into the nearest house he could find. A young couple were making love upstairs on the bed when the convict broke in and tied the startled man to a chair. He then began tying the woman to the bed as he leaned down and kissed her on the neck. The convict went into the bathroom and shut the door. Husband: "Honey, this man's a convict. Just look at his clothes! Unfortunately, I saw him kiss you on the neck and I think he's going to try and rape you. But no matter what I want you to be cooperative and don't resist. Do whatever he wants. I know it sounds hard but he is dangerous and may hurt or kill us if we do not do what he wants. I love you honey, please be strong." Wife:"He's an escaped convict, but he's not going to rape me. When you saw him kiss me on the neck, he actually whispered in my ear that he is gay and thinks you are cute. Then he asked if we had any vaseline and I told him it was in the bathroom. I love you honey, be strong."
Jokes
1,437 Clicks

by: MFab † (04/30/2006)

G-Unit Spinner Diamond Necklace - $2g's
Gold Grill that has " GANGSTA" across the teeth - $1g
Sean John Ghetto Jacket - $250
Baggy Ass Sweat Pants or Ghetto Jeans - $150
Burburry Air Force Ones - $130
Flat brimed Camo Yankees throwback hat - $30
XXL Tall Tee - $12
Realizing your white and getting jumped in the hood - priceless

For everything else theres pepasray

WORD
Jokes
1,435 Clicks

by: yippyskippy260 † (06/16/2004)

Chinese Proverbs
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone
2. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
3. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
4. Man with one chopstick go hungry
5. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
6. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
7. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk
8. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
9. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
10. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
11. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
12. Man who fart in church sit in own pew
13. Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Jokes
1,430 Clicks

by: Clutz234 † (11/14/2004)

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot! The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
Jokes
1,429 Clicks


Total Messages: 585, Now viewing messages (1 - 10)
Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59
Most Popular Away Messages



Art/Pix
Babysitting
Bathroom
Celebs
Chuck Norris
Drinking
Eating
Emo/Real Life
Funny
Gaming
Geek
General
Girly
Homework/Study
Inspirational
Jokes
Laundry
Love
Mean
Naughty
Other/Random
Partying
Phone
Political
School/Class
Shopping
Shower
Sleeping
Sports
TV/Movies
We Salute You
Work

© CGI Inc. 2009
Privacy Policy

Advertise Ops
Free Horoscopes