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I'm a gerbil. And I'm proud to be a gerbil. And as a gerbil I've seen some good times, and I've seen some bad times. These, my friends, these are the worst of times. An evil, black angled shaped cloud hovers above us. It is filled with the acid rain of gerbil hatred. It's thunder is the maniacal laughter of those that find gerbil death amusing. It's lightning strikes our tracts of helpless warriors with lethal, demon microwaves! My people, our people, are systematically being led to slaughter by a false, eye-defiling cow-worshiping, heathen-devil-pagan! His name, is Joe Cartoon; gerbil genocide is his intention. Up until now, our response has been, "Bite Me"...."Who's Your Daddy?" People, this is a sick, pathetic, sadistic madman. Name calling: don't do nothing.
I, for one, am tired of talking. I, for one, am gonna let my piece do my talking!
I, for one, am gonna blow a couple caps, in Joe Cartoon's ass! Deep down inside every one of you, you know full-well that this is our only resort! We have a right in this country to defend ourselves from jeopardy! I'm gonna blow a couple caps in his ass! Yeah! Who's with me?!
-Mr. Gerbil's Genocide Speech
Famous Last Words
Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. It's fireproof. I'm making a citizen's arrest. So, you're a cannibal. It's probably just a rash. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one! Pull the pin and count to what? Which wire was I supposed to cut? I wonder where the mother bear is. I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. I'll hold it and you light the fuse. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson. Rat poison only kills rats. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights. This doesn't taste right. I can make this light before it changes. Nice doggie. I can do that with my eyes closed. Well, we've made it this far. That's odd. Don't be so superstitious!
Things To Do In A Crowded Elevator:
1) Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2) Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift.
3) Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
4) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
5) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!".
6) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.
8) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
10) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
11) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
12) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off
13) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
14) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
15) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
16) One word: Flatulence!
17) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
18) Do Tai Chi exercises.
19) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
20) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
21) Give religious tracts to each passenger.
22) Meow occasionally.
29) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
30) Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
31) Leave a box between the doors.
32) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
33) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
34) Start a sing-along.
35) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
36) Play the harmonica.
46) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
53) Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop button. Act surprised and start talking to yourself "its ok, it wasnt your fault you killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!" Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.
54) Scratch yourself excessively saying "fuqin headlice. They're all over me. I knew I shouldn't have played with that dog so much"
To my Friends:
When you are sad,
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are scared,
I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,
I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.
When you are confused,
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick.
I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain God.
When you fall
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath.
I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend.
From: Agent 084
Subject: Classified Information
Message: Meet the blue chicken in the orange cow barn at 6:00 AM for special Egg pickup. After, you must meet our personnel in the airpot for special egg processing. While this happens, feel free to drink some coffee (fat free!). You will then be flown into the middle of a jungle, with no food or supplies and vicious animals all around you. You must then...uh...eh...um....
Note: You never received this message, you don't know who the hell Agent 084 is and you are now a gay transvestite who just moved to Cuba for smoking weed.
On that night I died
They all thought I committed suicide
Turns out it was a double homicide
Acted out by that demon inside
A man with hair as dark as night
His hatred plagues the land with plight
This abomination is a hideous sight
His darkness is a terrible blight
On that night the angel warned
Of the impending hellish storm
That would bring about
A terrible drought
Of light in the land
It was to be by my hand
On that night he died
They thought it was a suicide
I committed a double homicide
He and that angel died
Committed by me, that demon once inside
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
TWO POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
8) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
9) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
10) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
11) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
12) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
13) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
14) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
15) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
16) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
17) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
18) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you, How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Don't use any punctuation
8) Use, too...much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer..
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
Things To Do At Wal-Mart While You Wait For Your Family To Shop 1. Get boxes of condoms & put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking. 2. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms. 3. Walk up to an employee and announce in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. 4. Put some M&M's on lay away. 5. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 6. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 7. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.' 8. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 9. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels. 10. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built , and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. And, at any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
(1) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
(2) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
(3) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE PROOFING Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license -- if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. But don't buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, and only then do you go to the supermarket so you can join in vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
(1) 23 flashlights.
(2) At least $167 worth of batteries (which will turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights).
(3) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
(4) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
(5) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
(6) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
(7) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean who will tell you, over and over, how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
BRB: Be Right Back. Implies that you are off to complete a simple task such as going to the bathroom, or taking out the trash. Should take no longer than 5 minutes.
BBS: Be Back Soon. implies that you are off to complete a slightly more time-consuming task, such as cleaning the dishes or running next door to borrow a cup of sugar. Takes more than 5 mins but less than 10.
BBL: Be Back Later. You are off to complete a task which you know is going to seriously inhibit or distract you from conversation. These tasks include going to the movies, devoting hours of your day to revamping your MySpace page without interruption, or doind what sounds like a simple task at first but you know it's probably going to take longer than 10 minutes, or even hours.
Under NO circumstances is it acceptable to lead on an online friend by saying "BRB" in a situation that you KNOW is a "BBL" occassion. The person on the other computer, in their naivety, takes the time to remember the conversation in hopes that you really will "BRB."
If you don't plan on coming back until the time of day has officially changed (Morning to Afternoon, Afternoon to Evening, etc) then for goodness sakes, just say "bye" or "ttyl." That way, if you come back earlier than expected, you have at least presently surprised the person on the other side.
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