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Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
Some Emoticons of the Internet:
>_> <_< - Shifty Eyes
o_o - Calm / Small Stare
O_O - Shocked / Surprised / Big Stare
@_@ - Addicted / Crazy Stare / Extremely Shocked / "I need this."
^_^ - Happy
v_v - Sad
ò_ó - Small Angry
Ò_Ó - Big Angry
^_~ / ~_^ - "Wink"
and last, but not least:
(> ^_( >O_O)>
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built , and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. And, at any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
(1) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
(2) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
(3) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE PROOFING Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license -- if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. But don't buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, and only then do you go to the supermarket so you can join in vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
(1) 23 flashlights.
(2) At least $167 worth of batteries (which will turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights).
(3) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
(4) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
(5) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
(6) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
(7) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean who will tell you, over and over, how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
"I'm not here right now, until I come back, here's some insightful teachings of the great Chinese philosopher Confucius until I return:"
Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof when your own doorstep is unclean.
Things that are done, it is needless to speak about; things that are past, it is needless to blame.
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change.
Do not do onto others that you would not want others to do onto you.
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.
We should feel sorrow, but not sink under its oppression.
He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior.
"My personal favorite:"
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
Understanding TXT LINGo: Vol IV:
G-Dub: George Bush
ISMF: I'm Stuffing my Face
ITAP: I'm taking a piss
ITAC: I'm taking a crap:
jkasdbjkf(or any random type): Tourette's/Epileptic Seizure
LOBS:Load of Bull S***
ILUV(): I Love (insert noun)
()DM: (insert noun) dumped me
IA()O: I asked (insert noun) out
H/SSY: He/She Said YES!
H/SSN: He/She Said NO!
Lawl: How LOL is pronounced
HAHAHAHA: Laughing in your face
URS: You Are STOOPID!
DAQ: Don't Ask Questions
Different ways to pick your nose!
DEEP SALVAGE PICK:
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.
When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.
PICK A LOT:
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK:
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH:
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT:
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting.
PICK YOUR BRAINS:
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE:
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND FLICK:
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.
PICK AND STICK:
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PIPE CLEANER PICK:
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
TWO POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
8) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
9) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
10) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
11) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
12) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
13) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
14) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
15) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
16) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
17) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
18) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you, How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Don't use any punctuation
8) Use, too...much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer..
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me more LOGIC - "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST - "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS - "You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE - "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
The Unanswered Questions of the World:
1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
4. Is there another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey, look! He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say,
"That's right, it's a soldering iron . . . The soldering iron of justice!"
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
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