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by: NMStitan35476 (08/04/2007)

A Teenager is...
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
1,431 Clicks

by: spazzzjazzz (08/21/2007)

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
8) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
9) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
10) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
11) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
12) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
13) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
14) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
15) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
16) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
17) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
18) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you, How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Don't use any punctuation
8) Use, too...much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer..
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
1,429 Clicks

by: TheSnack247 (10/31/2005)

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
1,427 Clicks

by: ya_lets_go_with_that (02/22/2006)

Did you know that as we speak semi's are being flipped over by squirrels placing acorns on the road? That all the little kids that watch "Elmo's World" are being sent subliminal messages telling them to join Elmo's Army? It's true. Yes, Elmo is an evil, possessed toy that got kicked off Sesame Street for his language, rude hand gestures and much, much more. As of my knowledge, he is attempting to take over the world with his army. But do not fret, he will lose all of his followers before 5pm tonight. Why? Everyone in his army has to go home then! As for the squirrels... just make them road kill....
1,427 Clicks

by: Nayqueen11 (03/06/2006)

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I feel the cool rush of skiing in the Alps, or skating in Alaska, or bobsledding in Lake Placid! But, while I'm enjoying my York Peppermint Patty, the rush makes me oblivious to the chocolate melting in my hands. The chocolate gets on my keyboard, my mouse, my desk, and every other spot to which chocolate can stick. And when I go to throw away my York Peppermint Patty, I trip over a shoe because I'm too busy looking for a paper towel. I fall over and hit my head on the corner of my desk, cutting it deeply. The sight of my own blood causes me to regurgitate my York Peppermint Patty. Getting up and running to the phone to call 911, I slip on my own vomit, fall down again, and break my neck. And so my warning to all little children: don't smoke pot before eating a York Peppermint Patty.
1,426 Clicks

by: lookout rX (05/07/2007)

-How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
-What if there were no hypothetical situations?
-How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?
-What is the speed of darkness?
-How do they get deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
-Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?
-Why is there Braille on drive-through bank machines?
-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-Will your answer to this question be no? Is there another word for synonym?
-Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?
-Why is a boxing ring square?
-How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
-Why do noses run, and feet smell?
-Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
1,426 Clicks

by: theYeahSandwich (09/30/2007)

BRB: Be Right Back. Implies that you are off to complete a simple task such as going to the bathroom, or taking out the trash. Should take no longer than 5 minutes.

BBS: Be Back Soon. implies that you are off to complete a slightly more time-consuming task, such as cleaning the dishes or running next door to borrow a cup of sugar. Takes more than 5 mins but less than 10.

BBL: Be Back Later. You are off to complete a task which you know is going to seriously inhibit or distract you from conversation. These tasks include going to the movies, devoting hours of your day to revamping your MySpace page without interruption, or doind what sounds like a simple task at first but you know it's probably going to take longer than 10 minutes, or even hours.

Under NO circumstances is it acceptable to lead on an online friend by saying "BRB" in a situation that you KNOW is a "BBL" occassion. The person on the other computer, in their naivety, takes the time to remember the conversation in hopes that you really will "BRB."

If you don't plan on coming back until the time of day has officially changed (Morning to Afternoon, Afternoon to Evening, etc) then for goodness sakes, just say "bye" or "ttyl." That way, if you come back earlier than expected, you have at least presently surprised the person on the other side.
1,424 Clicks

by: dawiteshak (12/08/2005)

Do you think you're an idiot?
Do you sometimes find yourself blurting out words such as "watermelon", "kuhblam", or even "muffin"? Then you or someone you know might be suffering from STUPIDITY. STUPIDITY is a pretty common disease that can be passed on by hanging out with other STUPID people. Many people go through life having STUPIDITY without even knowing it. Although there are many hints to it like repeating the third grade until you have a mustache or becoming the first non-retarded person to place last in the "Special Olympics". The main reason someone wouldn't know they were suffering from STUPIDITY is because STUPID people are STUPID, and STUPIDITY causes people not to understand those blatant "hints". Please, help this cause to stop STUPIDITY. For more information on fighting/advocating STUPIDITY please visit Thank you.
1,423 Clicks

by: RandomTask (05/17/2006)

Different ways to pick your nose!

DEEP SALVAGE PICK:Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
UTENCIL PICK:When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.
EXTRA PICK:When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.
DEPRESSION PICK:When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.
PICK A LOT:What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.
KIDDIE PICK:When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK:When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH:When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT:You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
SUPRISE PICKINGS:When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTOPICK:The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting.
PICK YOUR BRAINS:Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE:When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND FLICK:Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.
PICK AND STICK:You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PIPE CLEANER PICK:The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
1,423 Clicks

by: Storeroom (08/21/2007)

I hate the ocean. It's ugly and smells like a salty puddle. It is too damn loud with it's churning and splashing. The people that say they love the ocean are also not pretty to look at. They steal, lie and are not fair or right about most everything. The ocean is a pool filled with awful unattractive creatures that have no business on this planet. We should build a skyscraper-sized toaster, plug it in and drop it in the ocean electrocuting all the varmints in there. After that drain it and build some ballsy skateboard parks!
1,423 Clicks

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