away messages that dont suck

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by: Austin4590 (06/02/2004)

Denis Leary - "Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."
1,400 Clicks

by: meghan9169 (01/11/2005)

Twas the night before Christmas, In Vegas no qualms.
Paris Hilton was banging some guy at the Palms

Then Courtney Love flew in her private charter sleigh,
A landing so perfect, her armtracks led the way.

There's Anna Nicole in great shape, she's hiking in,
with bottles of Trimspa and buckets of Vicadin.

Is that the Sum 41 guy with Avril Lavign?
No way, she's the hardest core, hardcore punkrocker, I've ever seen.

I went to a strip club after a couple of beers.
I saw a pretty pole dancer, hey it's Brittney Spears.

With cut-off Daisy Dukes, hair blonde as honey,
Why is she stripping for dollars? Her husband Kevin took all her money.

Now Lindsay, now Mishca, Nicole Ritchey take care.
Someone's hurling into the toilet. It's Tara Reid, hold her hair.

I know she hates Lohan but Lindsay, Here's some drama,
Hillary Duff is in the corner f*cking Wilmer Valderama.

Who's that up in the ghost bar, wide eyed and out too late?
Asking if her ass looks too fat, it's Ashley with Mary-Kate.

So "It Girls" of Hollywood don't go too far
Cause what happens in Vegas stays in the Star
~Kathie Griffin
1,398 Clicks

by: NetSurffer8 (03/13/2004)

G'day mates, Steve Urwin here...If you are just tuning in, we were just about to capture this king cobra. See how its neck flaps flare up as it gets nervous...Now to capture it, I will have to grab it and squeeze it very hard to subdue it. Then I will have to kiss it. Before I do, I will irritate it with this kitchen fork. *poke poke* alright, now I grab it and- Crikey! me arm!!! *BEEEEEEEEEEEEP* This station is undergoing some technical difficulties, please stand by.
1,360 Clicks

by: Ryan (06/22/2007)

Johnny Cash "Hurt"

I hurt myself today, To see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, The only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, The old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, But I remember everything. What have I become, My sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away, In the end. And you could have it all, My empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. I wear this crown of thorns, Upon my liars chair. Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, The feelings dissapear. You are someone else, But I am still right here. What have I become, My sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away, In the end. And you could have it all, My empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. If I could start again, A million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find a way.
1,359 Clicks

by: bizzoony (03/26/2006)

Dear Nelly,
Not only does no one know your first name, but I would greatly appreciate it if you stopped making songs that have to do with removing articles of clothing. I can no longer make an innocent comment about the rising tempurature without someone yelling "SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!!!"
Second, Why did you join up with Tim McGraw and do a COUNTRY SONG!? What ever happened to the band-aid-wearing, bling-carrying, retard-punching Nelly that everyone liked?! Now you go and make a pathetic song about a dude that looses his girl friend, so he goes and sings about it with a COUNTRY SINGER?! Jesus man, you sure have lost everything, including your balls.
Lastly, I walked into Home Depot the other day, and i dont know if was just a creepy bad omen, but when i entered the "Back Yard Grills" Section of the store, your latest song popped onto the speakers. You have no idea how awkward it is to scan the walls of grills when you hear "Lemme see your girll!" echoing around you. Lastly, I want you to find the baby-eating freak who compared himself to George Forman for selling people braces for their mouth! Is my dentist George Forman, is the store clerk at Home Depot George Forman? I punched the store clerk in the face and knocked him out, does that make me Mike Tyson?! I BIT OFF THE EAR OFF MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER, AM I MIKE TYSON!?!?!?!?!!!!

P.S. May I have your autograph?
1,353 Clicks

by: woot (11/21/2004)

"Think about it...religion has actually CONVINCED people...that there's an invisible man! LIVING IN THE SKY! And this invisible man has a list of ten things he does NOT want you to do! And if you do ANY of these ten things, He has a special place where He will send you, full of fire, and burning, and anguish, where you will suffer, and burn, and scream, and cry forever and ever until the end of time.........but He loves you!"
-George Carlin
1,351 Clicks

by: wizard5707 (03/12/2006)

What's with Simon anyways and always using the same phrases to describe people? (Utterly dreadful, horendous, appeal to those over 70, 80, 90... What?) Simon you need to just get you some sex, some malt liquor, a Xanax, a Lexapro, a Zoloft, a Prozac, an all-expenses-paid cruise a mile off the Florida coast (But you must pay your own airfare!), and/or go back to option one and just get you some really good sex. You, my friend, need to get laid and just CHILL OUT! What did you sing anyways? Why are you so important? I have never heard of you before so apparently you suck just as much as the contestants you say suck.
1,349 Clicks

by: DarqueAngel333 (09/25/2006)

Idiot Celebs:

- Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? // "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

- Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. --Mariah Carey

- "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
1,349 Clicks

by: cheetahbabe85 (05/30/2006)

I think it is funny how peoples names are changing every generation.
The baby boomers all have names like Fred, Martha, George, and Erma.
Our parents have names like Debra, Kathleen, Phil, and Bob.
We have names like Ashley, Nick, Bryan, and Amanda.
Now, people are naming their kids these crazy names. Our kids friends are going to have names like Apple, Cocoa, Moses, and Suri. Thanks to celebrities and their crazy names. Am I taking crazy pills?
1,348 Clicks

by: vballchickaz00 (09/26/2005)

I have a suggestion that I think would help serious crime. Signs.
There are a lot of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate wouldn't have happened if there had been a sign in the Oval Office that said: Malfeasance of Office is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
-George Carlin
1,346 Clicks

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