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by: Austin4590 (06/02/2004)

Denis Leary - "Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."
1,431 Clicks

by: striikXowt11 (08/21/2007)

The next time you go to a party, go into the room where all the coats are. Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, someone will come outta that room and say "Someone shit on the coats. Someone has shit on the coats." That's all you can say when someone shits on coats..."someone shit on the coats." They might say "I think someone shit on the coats," but you know. They just don't wanna be the bearer of bad news. "I think someone may have shit on-or-around the coat area...there's a smell of shit around the perimeter-the vicinity of coats, leading me to believe someone has shit..."

But, you're there, you're watching this all happen, and at some point, you're gonna lean in and go "What?!" - "What, I hope it wasn't on my coat" and then 'boom' you're gone - you're a phantom...

-Dane Cook
1,425 Clicks

by: woot (11/21/2004)

"Think about it...religion has actually CONVINCED people...that there's an invisible man! LIVING IN THE SKY! And this invisible man has a list of ten things he does NOT want you to do! And if you do ANY of these ten things, He has a special place where He will send you, full of fire, and burning, and anguish, where you will suffer, and burn, and scream, and cry forever and ever until the end of time.........but He loves you!"
-George Carlin
1,424 Clicks

by: meghan9169 (01/11/2005)

Twas the night before Christmas, In Vegas no qualms.
Paris Hilton was banging some guy at the Palms

Then Courtney Love flew in her private charter sleigh,
A landing so perfect, her armtracks led the way.

There's Anna Nicole in great shape, she's hiking in,
with bottles of Trimspa and buckets of Vicadin.

Is that the Sum 41 guy with Avril Lavign?
No way, she's the hardest core, hardcore punkrocker, I've ever seen.

I went to a strip club after a couple of beers.
I saw a pretty pole dancer, hey it's Brittney Spears.

With cut-off Daisy Dukes, hair blonde as honey,
Why is she stripping for dollars? Her husband Kevin took all her money.

Now Lindsay, now Mishca, Nicole Ritchey take care.
Someone's hurling into the toilet. It's Tara Reid, hold her hair.

I know she hates Lohan but Lindsay, Here's some drama,
Hillary Duff is in the corner f*cking Wilmer Valderama.

Who's that up in the ghost bar, wide eyed and out too late?
Asking if her ass looks too fat, it's Ashley with Mary-Kate.

So "It Girls" of Hollywood don't go too far
Cause what happens in Vegas stays in the Star
~Kathie Griffin
1,423 Clicks

by: Supachipndip (06/01/2005)

"What happens if a giant asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic scientific experiments involving a giant sledgehammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad."
-Dave Barry
1,421 Clicks

by: DarqueAngel333 (09/25/2006)

Idiot Celebs:

- Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? // "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

- Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. --Mariah Carey

- "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
1,421 Clicks

by: Pixiestx15 (03/24/2004)

Next on the Martha Stewart show: How to liven up your jail cell... and later on we'll talk about this year's color - ORANGE. Stripes are making a comeback, too!
1,420 Clicks

by: NetSurffer8 (03/13/2004)

G'day mates, Steve Urwin here...If you are just tuning in, we were just about to capture this king cobra. See how its neck flaps flare up as it gets nervous...Now to capture it, I will have to grab it and squeeze it very hard to subdue it. Then I will have to kiss it. Before I do, I will irritate it with this kitchen fork. *poke poke* alright, now I grab it and- Crikey! me arm!!! *BEEEEEEEEEEEEP* This station is undergoing some technical difficulties, please stand by.
1,420 Clicks

by: matthogan775 (04/19/2004)

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
- Jerry Seinfeld
1,420 Clicks

by: bizzoony (03/26/2006)

Dear Nelly,
Not only does no one know your first name, but I would greatly appreciate it if you stopped making songs that have to do with removing articles of clothing. I can no longer make an innocent comment about the rising tempurature without someone yelling "SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!!!"
Second, Why did you join up with Tim McGraw and do a COUNTRY SONG!? What ever happened to the band-aid-wearing, bling-carrying, retard-punching Nelly that everyone liked?! Now you go and make a pathetic song about a dude that looses his girl friend, so he goes and sings about it with a COUNTRY SINGER?! Jesus man, you sure have lost everything, including your balls.
Lastly, I walked into Home Depot the other day, and i dont know if was just a creepy bad omen, but when i entered the "Back Yard Grills" Section of the store, your latest song popped onto the speakers. You have no idea how awkward it is to scan the walls of grills when you hear "Lemme see your girll!" echoing around you. Lastly, I want you to find the baby-eating freak who compared himself to George Forman for selling people braces for their mouth! Is my dentist George Forman, is the store clerk at Home Depot George Forman? I punched the store clerk in the face and knocked him out, does that make me Mike Tyson?! I BIT OFF THE EAR OFF MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER, AM I MIKE TYSON!?!?!?!?!!!!

P.S. May I have your autograph?
1,420 Clicks

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