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Today we salute you,
Mr. Backyard Bug Zapper Inventor.
Not content to harmlessly repel insects with lotion,
You discovered a way to fry them with electricity until their bodies explode.
Ah the sounds of summer:
The blood-curdling scream of a moth having 700 volts of electricity shooting through its body.
(music to my ears)
Every night a magical explosion of exoskeleton and insect goo that can only mean one thing:
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. June Bug Blaster,
Then sit back, and watch the fireworks.
If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
Now, had you bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program. I call it my
Today we salute you Mr. Basketball Shoe Designer.
Every year you make staggering advances in technology
Slightly less air.
And a separate air chamber for maximum air
(she's gonna blow)
Good ball-handling skills.
A killer outside shot.
All completely useless unless we're wearing your sneakers
(I got a two inch vertical)
They're designed to last for a decade
Which is just about the time we'll have them paid off
(I'm livin' in my van)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Sultan of The Sneaker
We may never make a lay-up
But your shoes will always be a slam dunk.
Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis revealing the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were given 6 cans of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned...
Today we salute you Mr. Centerfold Retoucher
Your incredible talent takes gorgeous women
And somehow makes them... gorgeouser
(a mucho gorgeoso)
Breasts - bigger.
Moles - smaller.
Mustaches - gone.
(you're a staaaar)
Thanks to you, hot wax is a thing of the past
And working out, is for suckers
Any artist can say their work is in a gallery
But how many can say their work is stuffed under mattresses around the world
(you're gonna go blind)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Da Vinci of the Derriere
Because thanks to you
We can enjoy real beauty the way we like it
Today we salute you, Mr. Baseball Designated Hitter.
Baseball is an intricate game of skill, strategy, and athleticism.
Except for you,
You just whomp the ball.
(whomp that ball now)
What's it like to be a professional baseball player who doesn't even need to own a glove?
(you're a staaaar)
Still, we'd rather see you up at the plate than some pitcher with a career batting average of .001.
(couldn't hit a beach ball)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Sir On-The-Bench-A-Lot,
Because fielding, throwing, and running..
Are overrated anyway.
Today we salute you, Mr. After Halloween Costume Shop Salesman.
For two weeks every October,
You're the most popular man in town.
The rest of the year?
The loneliest man in town.
(I could use a buddy)
You've had the same costume since 1973,
Which is also the last time you had them washed.
(somethin' smells like cabbage)
What's your scariest costume?
The ballerina outfit,
Just returned by the 400 pound truck driver
(super duper tutu)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh King of the Costume.
Because dealing with you,
Will always be our treat.
Today we salute you Mr. All You Can Eat Buffet Inventor
You've given us the real American dream:
15 feet of food.
And a little sign that says: Go Nuts Buddy
(pinch me I'm dreamin')
Pushing side dish innovation to its limits
You offer creamed everything
And 400 flavors of gelatin
If there's beef, you'll chip it
If there's chicken, you'll fry it
And if there's gravy
Well then everything's going to be okay.
(thank God for the gravy)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Buffet Boy
You know the way to a man's heart
And a few hundred tasty ways to challenge it.
Today we salute you, Mr. Athletic Groin Protector Inventor.
People love to play sports,
But they don't love it when they get hit in the twig and berries.
For years cringing fans watched as man after man went down,
But then you came along and said,
"Here, stick this in your pants."
(Nice to meet you)
The arrant headbutt.
The inside fastball.
The wayward high-five.
All no match for your crash helmet.
(oh bring it onnn)
Sure, some athletes shun them,
But don't worry,
they'll come around.
(show us the way)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light,
Protector of the Package,
And know that we're just nuts about you.
Today we salute you, Mr. Beach Metal Detector Guy.
Some seek their fortune in the stock market,
Others in real estate,
But you look for loose change in the sand.
(hittin’ the jackpot)
Armed with a five foot Geiger counter and the world’s largest set of ear phones
You live your life with a simple code of honor:
“Finder’s keepers. Loser’s weepers.”
Sure people mock you,
But he who owns 92 cents, a gold plated earring, and a steal-toed boot gets the last laugh
(who’s laughing now)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Oh Sultan of the Sand.
We’d give you a medal,
But you’ve probably already found one.
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