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Today we salute you Mr. Centerfold Retoucher
Your incredible talent takes gorgeous women
And somehow makes them... gorgeouser
(a mucho gorgeoso)
Breasts - bigger.
Moles - smaller.
Mustaches - gone.
(you're a staaaar)
Thanks to you, hot wax is a thing of the past
And working out, is for suckers
Any artist can say their work is in a gallery
But how many can say their work is stuffed under mattresses around the world
(you're gonna go blind)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Da Vinci of the Derriere
Because thanks to you
We can enjoy real beauty the way we like it
Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis revealing the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were given 6 cans of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned...
Today we salute you,
Mr. Backyard Bug Zapper Inventor.
Not content to harmlessly repel insects with lotion,
You discovered a way to fry them with electricity until their bodies explode.
Ah the sounds of summer:
The blood-curdling scream of a moth having 700 volts of electricity shooting through its body.
(music to my ears)
Every night a magical explosion of exoskeleton and insect goo that can only mean one thing:
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. June Bug Blaster,
Then sit back, and watch the fireworks.
Today we salute you, Mr. Baseball Designated Hitter.
Baseball is an intricate game of skill, strategy, and athleticism.
Except for you,
You just whomp the ball.
(whomp that ball now)
What's it like to be a professional baseball player who doesn't even need to own a glove?
(you're a staaaar)
Still, we'd rather see you up at the plate than some pitcher with a career batting average of .001.
(couldn't hit a beach ball)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Sir On-The-Bench-A-Lot,
Because fielding, throwing, and running..
Are overrated anyway.
If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
Now, had you bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program. I call it my
Today we salute you, Mr. Ceremonial First Pitch Thrower Outer.
Dressed in slacks, button-down shirt, and ball cap,
You take to the mound announcing to everyone in attendance,
“I am fully prepared to make a complete fool of myself.”
(you’re on tv)
Over the backstop.
Halfway to the plate.
Into the back of the umpire’s head.
Who knows where your throw will land?
(it hit me in the grroooiin)
Your fastball was clocked at a breath-taking 8 ˝ miles per hour.
(that’s almost ten)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Oh Fryer of the Fireball.
Will always be our favorite pastime.
Today we salute you Mr. Basketball Shoe Designer.
Every year you make staggering advances in technology
Slightly less air.
And a separate air chamber for maximum air
(she's gonna blow)
Good ball-handling skills.
A killer outside shot.
All completely useless unless we're wearing your sneakers
(I got a two inch vertical)
They're designed to last for a decade
Which is just about the time we'll have them paid off
(I'm livin' in my van)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Sultan of The Sneaker
We may never make a lay-up
But your shoes will always be a slam dunk.
THE BUFFALO THEORY:
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
lil babie xox
Things that are hard to say when you're drunk:
obsession succession luxury suspicious consumption
Things that are REALLY hard to say when you're drunk:
condemnation microscopic confrontation platonomy spectacular
Things that are down right impossible to say when you're drunk:
No, of course I don't want to have sex!
I think I'll go home now, it's getting late.
No, I don't want anymore beer!
Please don't kiss me, I don't even know you!
No I couldn't possibly sing, I'd be too embarrassed!
Bein' a designated driver can be a lot more fun that it seems. For instance: after you pick up as many drunkards as you can, cram them into your car, you can drop them off at the wrong house OR you boss's (whom you HATE) yard! Now, drunk people will pay for ANYTHING. So, before you drop them off at some random house, stop at every gas station in town and make them pay for a full tank! Heck, after a ten-mile stretch, you'll have made about $400-500!!! By the end of the night, they'll be thinkin' (thru their drunkenness) "MAN! The gas mileage in this car sucks hardcore ass!"
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