Badass Profile Tweaks
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Top 25 MSGs
Great Excuses To Get Out Of Work
1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet. ..
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
16. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
17. I prefer to remain an enigma.
Mowin' mowin' mowin'
Though the grass is growin'
Keep that mower mowin'!
Through rain and wind and weather
Hell's planned nothing better
Just wishin' that I was back insiiiide
All the things I'm missin'
Like you all out there sittin'
Waiting for the end of my riiiiiide!
(Mowin' the lawn. Brbz.)
Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked:
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work ......drunk.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
7. So that with a little help from Muzak, you can add, "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 9:00AM!"
Real-life Dilbert: "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (Fred Dales, Microsoft Redmond, WA)
So they pay me to do this thing called "work". I don't know if they knew what they got themselves into when they hired me, but I'll at least make a solid effort to make them feel as if they're getting their money's worth. Drop me a line and I'll try to get back to you whenever I get a free moment. *toodles*
If I Had Fairly Odd Parents... I Would Wish... That I... Would Never Have To Do Dishes Again In My Life!
Unlike the cheap, sleazy bastard you are, I like to get paid for my services.
gtg, my boss is back!
Got Chores? Me too! Wow! We have so much in common! We should date! How's Friday?
Doing Corporate "stuff," mind the shredder
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