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by: dawiteshak (01/10/2006)

Christmas Songs for Shrinks

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock
Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).
Funny
1,347 Clicks

by: titansmlb102 (07/12/2006)

101 Ways to Annoy People 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. < 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Funny
1,341 Clicks

by: lil kiddie (12/31/2005)

13 Reasons Why it is so cool to be a man 1)Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2)You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 3)You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 4)If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 5)Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 6)Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 7)Same work, more pay. 8)Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 9)Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75. 10)If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 11)You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 12)The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 13)Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Funny
1,332 Clicks

by: oO1Geno1Oo (03/17/2004)

Checking away messages is like stalking, but no one knows you're doing it. I even have people's names on my buddy list that I don't know, but I hear they have really good away messages. There are the people who document every move: 'Im takin a shower, but when I get out, Im going to pee, shave, then iron my pants. Call me if you need me before I go to the mall at 2pm.' Then there's the creative one: 'I am away from my computer right now.' And of course there's that one from the really cool guy: 'Yo its friday night, Im drunk, and not sittin up lookin at away messages'
Funny, that guy never seems to go idle
Funny
1,330 Clicks

by: Mr.Matt (01/16/2007)

Trying to escape a maximum security mental facilaty. (Its all Alfreds fault....)
LAST NIGHT...
Me: Shut up
Imaginary friend: No you shut up!
Me: No you started it!!
Imaginary Friend: Did not!
Me: Did too. So shut up!!
Imaginary Friend: Make me!
Me: Ok! Thats it!!!
Imaginary Friend: Bring it!
Me: I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!
Me:... Oh so you want to play dirty eh? Well ive got a gun too!
Imaginary Friend: Comon then!
Me: ARG!!!
*gunshots*
Imaginary Friend: Haha! I win
Me: Alfred, you fool! now im going to bleed to death!
Imaginary Friend: Its not my fault you shot yourself in the leg.
Me: Well you KNOW that im not good with a gun!
so I walked to the hospital and they put me in Pleasant Springs.
Currently crawling thorugh the sewage system of Pleasant Springs. Be back by morning!
Funny
1,330 Clicks

by: Speedy (06/12/2007)

Hey, hey, wanna hear the joke about the kid with ADD? Ok, so a kid with ADD walks into a bar..... not a chocolate bar. Like a bar where they give you alcohol. Only alcohol! But if you're nice they might give you some water. Which probably eliminates the point of a drinking fountain. That WOULD be pretty cool if they had a Chocolate Bar... Where you could get Hershey's, and 3 Musketeers, and Paydays, and even Baby Ruth's, which are pretty hard to find! BBL, off finding a Baby Ruth!
Funny
1,330 Clicks

by: idk (02/01/2006)

The top 10 things you dont want to hear on a chairlift!
10. "YOU DONT GET VEIWS LIKE THIS IS PRISON!"
9. "WE'D BOTH BE WARMER IF YOUSAT ON MY LAP."
8. "SOME IDIOT LEFT THESE SKIS OUTSID THE LODGE!"
7. "CAN YOU HELP ME DEFROST MY MOUSTACHE?"
6. "IF IT DOSNT SNOW SOON, IM AFRAID THEY'LL FIND THE BODIES."
5. "LET ME TLL YOU ABOUT JEHOVAH WITNESSES."
4. "ALL RIGHT BOYS, CUT THE CABLE!" 3. "YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE LAST WEEK."
2. "MIND IF I SMOKE?"
1. "I GOT A PERFECT WAY OF TESTING IF THEY HAVE 10 INCHES OF POWDER."
Funny
1,329 Clicks

by: DictatorDerek (04/09/2007)

The term "bitch slap" is derived from African American Vernacular English (AAVE) slang. In the original sense, a "bitch slap" is a powerful, full-swing slap in the face with the back of the hand, evoking the way an angry pimp might slap a defiant prostitute. However, the term is now frequently used figuratively to describe a humiliating defeat or punishment. For example, if an American football team loses 42-0, one could say that they were "bitch slapped".
Funny
1,329 Clicks

by: donuzzts (09/06/2008)

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We're a lighthouse. Your call.
Funny
1,328 Clicks

by: IvEdOnEvErYtHiNgOnThIsLiSt...UrTuRn (05/21/2006)

THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE
1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the badguy is doing something devoius, say, "Watch out"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman Hahaha" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. When peolple sit next to you star crying and scream "NOOOOO! You killed *insert random name here*!!!" and don't stop yelling "MURDERER!" until they move.
16. Yell outloud, "Stop molesting me"
Funny
1,327 Clicks


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