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by: titansmlb102 (07/12/2006)

101 Ways to Annoy People 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. < 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Funny
1,552 Clicks

by: dawiteshak (01/10/2006)

Christmas Songs for Shrinks

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock
Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).
Funny
1,530 Clicks

by: donuzzts (09/06/2008)

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We're a lighthouse. Your call.
Funny
1,477 Clicks

by: kate28 (06/15/2008)

WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man,
who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh#t.
Funny
1,470 Clicks

by: jimmy bloumbas (06/12/2007)

You know you live in 2007 when.....

1.) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.) the reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name or a myspace.

4.) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.

6.) your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling.

8.) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) and you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5.

11.) and now you're laughing at your stupidity.

12.) Put this in ur pro if u just got owned, and u know u did
Funny
1,461 Clicks

by: idk (02/01/2006)

The top 10 things you dont want to hear on a chairlift!
10. "YOU DONT GET VEIWS LIKE THIS IS PRISON!"
9. "WE'D BOTH BE WARMER IF YOUSAT ON MY LAP."
8. "SOME IDIOT LEFT THESE SKIS OUTSID THE LODGE!"
7. "CAN YOU HELP ME DEFROST MY MOUSTACHE?"
6. "IF IT DOSNT SNOW SOON, IM AFRAID THEY'LL FIND THE BODIES."
5. "LET ME TLL YOU ABOUT JEHOVAH WITNESSES."
4. "ALL RIGHT BOYS, CUT THE CABLE!" 3. "YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE LAST WEEK."
2. "MIND IF I SMOKE?"
1. "I GOT A PERFECT WAY OF TESTING IF THEY HAVE 10 INCHES OF POWDER."
Funny
1,453 Clicks

by: CODOtheman (09/09/2004)

Did it hurt, %n?
Did it hurt when you fell from the top of the tallest ugly tree, in the largest ugly forest, and smashed into all of the ugly branches on the way down, face planted into the ugliest jagged ugly rock, peed on by the ugliest dog with ugly pee, run over by a huge ugly semi with a double load of ugly, and had an ugly nuclear warhead dropped on and explode with a huge ugly thermonuclear explosion?
Funny
1,445 Clicks

by: T-Shirt (06/23/2006)

you thinking what i'm thinking? narnia! then it's happening!
But first, my hunger pangs are sticking like duct tape
let's hit up magnolia and mack on some cupcakes
No doubt, that bakery's got all the bomb frosting.
i love those cupcakes like mcadams loves gosling
2 no 6 no 12, bakers dozen!
i told you that i'm crazy for these cupcakes, cousin!

-Lazy Sunday Afternoon/The Narnia Rap
Funny
1,444 Clicks

by: DictatorDerek (04/09/2007)

The term "bitch slap" is derived from African American Vernacular English (AAVE) slang. In the original sense, a "bitch slap" is a powerful, full-swing slap in the face with the back of the hand, evoking the way an angry pimp might slap a defiant prostitute. However, the term is now frequently used figuratively to describe a humiliating defeat or punishment. For example, if an American football team loses 42-0, one could say that they were "bitch slapped".
Funny
1,443 Clicks

by: bored2death (09/06/2008)

10 Most Annoying Things Parents Say:

Q: What college do you wanna go to?
-College?! Surviving elementary school was hard enough! How the hell should I know?!

Q: What do you wanna be when you grow up?
-Umm, I dunno, It's 1 in the afternoon, I just woke up; can't I get some alone time to play video games?

Q: If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?
-Hell effin Yea I would!

Q: What did you do in school today?
-Its school, what the hell do you think I was doing? Sleeping!

Q: Did you finish your homework?
-Trust me, "my dog ate it" just doesn't cut it when your talking to your own parent.

Q: What were you doing alone in your room with your girlfriend?
-Studying the human anatomy, now leave us alone! She's giving me another practice test. :D

Q: Who said you can do that?!
-The lil demon on my shoulder >.>

Q: Does every thing I tell you go in one ear and out the other?
-*light breeze whisshes by*

Q: Do I look like a maid to you?!
- Believe me, you look nothing like the maids I've seen online.

Q: Who Killed Roger Rabbit?!
-Sorry, thats before my time; the only rabbit I know is the Energizer Bunny; he just keeps going... and going.
Funny
1,438 Clicks


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