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Christmas Songs for Shrinks
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock
Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).
Bob is in the army. After 4 months of being in the army, his girlfriend sends him a letter saying she's slept with 2 guys since he's left and wants to break-up, and asks for all of the pictures he has of her to be sent back. So Bob did what any other American would do. He went around to all his army buddies and asked for pictures of girls that they wouldn't mind giving up. He then took all the pictures, some decent, some X-rated, and put them in a big envelope to send to his girlfriend with a note saying "I don't remember you. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
*M12 Warthog Light Reconnaissance Vehicle w/damage repairs + gun turret ammunition: $750,000
*SPARTAN II MJOLINR Battle Armour: $1.25 million
*M9 HE-DP Grenades, M6D Pistol w/ ammunition, MA5B Assault Rifle w/ ammunition, M90 Shotgun w/ ammunition, S2 AM Sniper Rifle w/ ammunition, M19 SSM Rocket Launcher w/ ammunition and a gun permit to use them all: $2.75 million
*Using all of the above to wipe out an entire Covenant army...while having fun doing it: PRICELESS
There are just some things money can't buy, and for those things there's MasterCard. Assisting you in your military expenses from 1995 all the way to 2552.
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
Twas the night before Christmas, In Vegas no qualms.
Paris Hilton was banging some guy at the Palms
Then Courtney Love flew in her private charter sleigh,
A landing so perfect, her armtracks led the way.
There's Anna Nicole in great shape, she's hiking in,
with bottles of Trimspa and buckets of Vicadin.
Is that the Sum 41 guy with Avril Lavign?
No way, she's the hardest core, hardcore punkrocker, I've ever seen.
I went to a strip club after a couple of beers.
I saw a pretty pole dancer, hey it's Brittney Spears.
With cut-off Daisy Dukes, hair blonde as honey,
Why is she stripping for dollars? Her husband Kevin took all her money.
Now Lindsay, now Mishca, Nicole Ritchey take care.
Someone's hurling into the toilet. It's Tara Reid, hold her hair.
I know she hates Lohan but Lindsay, Here's some drama,
Hillary Duff is in the corner f*cking Wilmer Valderama.
Who's that up in the ghost bar, wide eyed and out too late?
Asking if her ass looks too fat, it's Ashley with Mary-Kate.
So "It Girls" of Hollywood don't go too far
Cause what happens in Vegas stays in the Star
Mean Away Messages
We Salute You
© CGI Inc. 2009