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Today we salute you, Mr. Half-Time Shooting Contest Contestant.
For the promise of free t-shirts,
Or a year supply of socks,
You take to the court ready to put on a clinic in abject humiliation.
(take 'em to school, yeah)
You keenly sense how much the crowd yearns for your failure,
And you deliver.
(from DOWNTOWN yeah)
It's hard to make a shot from half-court,
But it's even harder to make one when you shoot like an 80-year-old grandmother.
(you're a staaaar)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Admiral of the Airball.
You may not have won that new car,
But you won something a lot more valuable,
We Salute You
Bob is in the army. After 4 months of being in the army, his girlfriend sends him a letter saying she's slept with 2 guys since he's left and wants to break-up, and asks for all of the pictures he has of her to be sent back. So Bob did what any other American would do. He went around to all his army buddies and asked for pictures of girls that they wouldn't mind giving up. He then took all the pictures, some decent, some X-rated, and put them in a big envelope to send to his girlfriend with a note saying "I don't remember you. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
"Here are some insightful proverbs that help me through the days that you can read until I come back." There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot. Unworthy offspring brag the most about their worthy descendants. What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others. Those who have free seats at a play hiss first. One can easily judge the character of a person by the way they treat people who can do nothing for them. Examine what is said, not him who speaks. A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner. A stumble may prevent a fall. He who walks with the lame learns how to limp. The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. Big words seldom accompany good deeds. Who digs a pit for others will fall in themselves. Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down. If your strength is small, don't carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don't give advice. To advise is easier than to help. "And here's an Irish proverb that, I think, lead to the drunk stereotypes:" What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
TWO POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
8) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
9) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
10) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
11) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
12) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
13) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
14) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
15) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
16) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
17) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
18) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you, How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Don't use any punctuation
8) Use, too...much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer..
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one nearby. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of
. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied,
"That's me before the operation."
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