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by: titansmlb102 (07/12/2006)

101 Ways to Annoy People 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. < 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
1328 Clicks

by: Ryan (06/22/2007)

Johnny Cash "Hurt"

I hurt myself today, To see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, The only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, The old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, But I remember everything. What have I become, My sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away, In the end. And you could have it all, My empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. I wear this crown of thorns, Upon my liars chair. Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, The feelings dissapear. You are someone else, But I am still right here. What have I become, My sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away, In the end. And you could have it all, My empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. If I could start again, A million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find a way.
1328 Clicks

by: kate28 (08/28/2008)

Today we salute you, Mr. Half-Time Shooting Contest Contestant.
For the promise of free t-shirts,
Or a year supply of socks,
You take to the court ready to put on a clinic in abject humiliation.
(take 'em to school, yeah)
You keenly sense how much the crowd yearns for your failure,
And you deliver.
(from DOWNTOWN yeah)
It's hard to make a shot from half-court,
But it's even harder to make one when you shoot like an 80-year-old grandmother.
(you're a staaaar)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Admiral of the Airball.
You may not have won that new car,
But you won something a lot more valuable,
Our hearts.
We Salute You
1328 Clicks

by: bizzoony (03/26/2006)

Dear Nelly,
Not only does no one know your first name, but I would greatly appreciate it if you stopped making songs that have to do with removing articles of clothing. I can no longer make an innocent comment about the rising tempurature without someone yelling "SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!!!"
Second, Why did you join up with Tim McGraw and do a COUNTRY SONG!? What ever happened to the band-aid-wearing, bling-carrying, retard-punching Nelly that everyone liked?! Now you go and make a pathetic song about a dude that looses his girl friend, so he goes and sings about it with a COUNTRY SINGER?! Jesus man, you sure have lost everything, including your balls.
Lastly, I walked into Home Depot the other day, and i dont know if was just a creepy bad omen, but when i entered the "Back Yard Grills" Section of the store, your latest song popped onto the speakers. You have no idea how awkward it is to scan the walls of grills when you hear "Lemme see your girll!" echoing around you. Lastly, I want you to find the baby-eating freak who compared himself to George Forman for selling people braces for their mouth! Is my dentist George Forman, is the store clerk at Home Depot George Forman? I punched the store clerk in the face and knocked him out, does that make me Mike Tyson?! I BIT OFF THE EAR OFF MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER, AM I MIKE TYSON!?!?!?!?!!!!

P.S. May I have your autograph?
1327 Clicks

by: RandomTask (05/17/2006)

Different ways to pick your nose!

DEEP SALVAGE PICK:Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
UTENCIL PICK:When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.
EXTRA PICK:When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.
DEPRESSION PICK:When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.
PICK A LOT:What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.
KIDDIE PICK:When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK:When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH:When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT:You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
SUPRISE PICKINGS:When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTOPICK:The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting.
PICK YOUR BRAINS:Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE:When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND FLICK:Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.
PICK AND STICK:You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PIPE CLEANER PICK:The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
1327 Clicks

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