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Not only does no one know your first name, but I would greatly appreciate it if you stopped making songs that have to do with removing articles of clothing. I can no longer make an innocent comment about the rising tempurature without someone yelling "SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!!!"
Second, Why did you join up with Tim McGraw and do a COUNTRY SONG!? What ever happened to the band-aid-wearing, bling-carrying, retard-punching Nelly that everyone liked?! Now you go and make a pathetic song about a dude that looses his girl friend, so he goes and sings about it with a COUNTRY SINGER?! Jesus man, you sure have lost everything, including your balls.
Lastly, I walked into Home Depot the other day, and i dont know if was just a creepy bad omen, but when i entered the "Back Yard Grills" Section of the store, your latest song popped onto the speakers. You have no idea how awkward it is to scan the walls of grills when you hear "Lemme see your girll!" echoing around you. Lastly, I want you to find the baby-eating freak who compared himself to George Forman for selling people braces for their mouth! Is my dentist George Forman, is the store clerk at Home Depot George Forman? I punched the store clerk in the face and knocked him out, does that make me Mike Tyson?! I BIT OFF THE EAR OFF MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER, AM I MIKE TYSON!?!?!?!?!!!!
P.S. May I have your autograph?
Today we salute you Mr. Boneless Buffalo Wing Inventor.
How do you improve upon a meat that is breaded, buttered, double-fried
And dipped in blue cheese dressing?
Remove the only part that doesn't contain fat.
(don't need no chicken bone)
Gone now is the race to eat the drumsticks first,
Leaving the wings for the other poor suckers.
(hands off my drummies)
Is it leg?
Is it wing?
Is it rear end?
Now every chunk is as identical as it is indistinguishable.
(hope I'm not eating rear end)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light,
Boneless Wing Mastermind.
Because we don't have a bone to pick with you.
We Salute You
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built , and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. And, at any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
(1) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
(2) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
(3) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE PROOFING Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license -- if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. But don't buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, and only then do you go to the supermarket so you can join in vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
(1) 23 flashlights.
(2) At least $167 worth of batteries (which will turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights).
(3) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
(4) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
(5) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
(6) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
(7) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean who will tell you, over and over, how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Each morning I rise from my peaceful slumber,
Where all is right with the world.
I brace myself for the hardships that await me outside,
& plaster on my faux smile and continue out the door.
Not knowing what comes next in my script,
I persevere and pace through the halls of my school.
You attempt to disarm me, you attempt to make me cave.
But you fail miserably, For now there is a stone cold wall around my heart,
Composed of much more than brick and mortar you can't get to me now.
You had your chance, I applaud you for that. You followed your script well enough to rival Clint Eastwood. But you met one unforgiving flaw. My life is not your blockbuster.
I confess however, that I too act as if all is impeccable, faultless, and ideal. But the credits are rolling now, the theater's clearing, and no one cares anymore.
I hold the leading role in my life, not you, Somewhere that became questionable to you.
A mere supporting role is all that you hold to your name. While you're still in the credits at the end of the show,
I am remembered, I alone resonate in the minds and hearts of my viewers.
will hold the Academy Award winning performance.
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Simpsons Away Messages
We Salute You
© CGI Inc. 2009