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Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone
2. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
3. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
4. Man with one chopstick go hungry
5. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
6. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
7. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk
8. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
9. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
10. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
11. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
12. Man who fart in church sit in own pew
13. Crowded elevator smell different to midget
From: Agent 084
Subject: Classified Information
Message: Meet the blue chicken in the orange cow barn at 6:00 AM for special Egg pickup. After, you must meet our personnel in the airpot for special egg processing. While this happens, feel free to drink some coffee (fat free!). You will then be flown into the middle of a jungle, with no food or supplies and vicious animals all around you. You must then...uh...eh...um....
Note: You never received this message, you don't know who the hell Agent 084 is and you are now a gay transvestite who just moved to Cuba for smoking weed.
Did you know that as we speak semi's are being flipped over by squirrels placing acorns on the road? That all the little kids that watch "Elmo's World" are being sent subliminal messages telling them to join Elmo's Army? It's true. Yes, Elmo is an evil, possessed toy that got kicked off Sesame Street for his language, rude hand gestures and much, much more. As of my knowledge, he is attempting to take over the world with his army. But do not fret, he will lose all of his followers before 5pm tonight. Why? Everyone in his army has to go home then! As for the squirrels... just make them road kill....
Different ways to pick your nose!
DEEP SALVAGE PICK:
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.
When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.
PICK A LOT:
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK:
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH:
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT:
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting.
PICK YOUR BRAINS:
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE:
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND FLICK:
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.
PICK AND STICK:
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PIPE CLEANER PICK:
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
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