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Christmas Songs for Shrinks
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock
Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
It seems there were twin brothers by the name of Jones who lived in the same town. John was married but Joe was single. The single brother was the proud owner of a dilapidated old rowboat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that his brother's old boat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss."
Joe spoke up, saying, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of old dead fish and even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in the front and the hole kept getting bigger. Every time I used her she leaked like anything, but this is what finished her. Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time and asked if I would rent her to them. Well, I warned them that she's not so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyway. The results were the crazy fools tried to get into her all at once. It was simply too much for her. She cracked right up the middle."
That's when the old lady fainted.
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built , and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. And, at any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
(1) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
(2) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
(3) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE PROOFING Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license -- if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. But don't buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, and only then do you go to the supermarket so you can join in vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
(1) 23 flashlights.
(2) At least $167 worth of batteries (which will turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights).
(3) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
(4) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
(5) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
(6) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
(7) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean who will tell you, over and over, how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
♥ I Want a Guy … Who Would Move The Hair Away From My Eyes & Then Kiss Me. Hold My Hand In Line At The Mall To Make All The Girls Jealous .. Someone Who Would Sing To Me At RAND0M Moments. Who Would Let Me Sleep On Their Chest .♥ & He Wouldn` Mind If i Ate More Than Him .. Someone Who Would Let Me Gossip To Him .. & Would Just Smile & AGREE With Everything I Said .. No Matter How POiNTLESS!!.. He Would Throw ♥ Stuffed Animals ♥ At Me When i Acted Dumb & Then Kissssed Me a MILLION Times !! Someone Who Made Fun Of Me Just To Make Me Laugh ` He Would Tell All His Friends About Me .. And SMiLE When He Did .. =] AND WE`D MAKE OUT IN THE P0URING RAIN ..!! He`d Never Be Afraid To Say I Love y0u In Front Of His Friends. & We`d Argue About SiLLy Things ..& Then Make Up <3 ♥I Want a Guy To Kiss Me At Midnight On New Year`s & Count Stars With Me ♥ He Would Tell Me In Beautiful .. But Not Too Often. ! & Make Me Laugh Like NOONEElse Could .. But M0STLy .. I Want Someone Who Would Be My Best Friend & Would NEVER Break My Heart. ♥
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