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50 Things Girls should Know about Guys: 1. Guys hate sluts. 2. "Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" - two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone. 3. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about. 4. Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes. 5. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile. 6. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him. 7. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you- and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method. 8. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to. 9. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved. 10. Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend. 11. Guys get jealous easily. 12. Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think. 13. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...never mind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out. 14. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like. 15. Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway. 16. Girls are guys' weaknesses. 17. Guys are very open about themselves. 18. It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long. 19. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend. 20. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice. 21. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. 22. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships. 23. Guys will brag about anything. 24. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you. 25. -->Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant. 26. Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if 1 guy's confused, then we're all confused. 27. Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships. 28. Try to be as straightforward as possible. 29. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be mature and grown up. 30. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl. 31. No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key. 32. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience. 33. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped. 34. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside. 35. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that. 36. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me." 37. Guys don't really have final decisions. 38. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up. 39. If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you. 40. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something. 41. Guys like femininity not feebleness. 42. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do. 43. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes. 44. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily. 45. Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much. 46. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys. 47. Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more. 48. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them. 49. A guy would give his left nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day. 50. No guy can handle all his problems by his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it
It seems there were twin brothers by the name of Jones who lived in the same town. John was married but Joe was single. The single brother was the proud owner of a dilapidated old rowboat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that his brother's old boat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss."
Joe spoke up, saying, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of old dead fish and even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in the front and the hole kept getting bigger. Every time I used her she leaked like anything, but this is what finished her. Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time and asked if I would rent her to them. Well, I warned them that she's not so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyway. The results were the crazy fools tried to get into her all at once. It was simply too much for her. She cracked right up the middle."
That's when the old lady fainted.
Today we salute you, Mr. Camouflage Suit Maker.
Your amazing skills of deception can trick a deer into thinking we’re just a tree out for a walk,
Or a shrub having a cup of coffee.
(shrub havin’ coffee)
Tirelessly you perfect your artistry:
The squiggly black line.
The slightly larger blob.
All in spectacular shades of green
(green green green)
Thanks to you we look fabulous in or out of the forest,
With a suit that can easily be accessorized with face paint and a few twigs.
(dressed to kill)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Camouflage Suit Maker.
Because when it comes to blending in, You really stand out.
We Salute You
Today we salute you, Mr. Baseball Designated Hitter.
Baseball is an intricate game of skill, strategy, and athleticism.
Except for you,
You just whomp the ball.
(whomp that ball now)
What's it like to be a professional baseball player who doesn't even need to own a glove?
(you're a staaaar)
Still, we'd rather see you up at the plate than some pitcher with a career batting average of .001.
(couldn't hit a beach ball)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Sir On-The-Bench-A-Lot,
Because fielding, throwing, and running..
Are overrated anyway.
I'm a gerbil. And I'm proud to be a gerbil. And as a gerbil I've seen some good times, and I've seen some bad times. These, my friends, these are the worst of times. An evil, black angled shaped cloud hovers above us. It is filled with the acid rain of gerbil hatred. It's thunder is the maniacal laughter of those that find gerbil death amusing. It's lightning strikes our tracts of helpless warriors with lethal, demon microwaves! My people, our people, are systematically being led to slaughter by a false, eye-defiling cow-worshiping, heathen-devil-pagan! His name, is Joe Cartoon; gerbil genocide is his intention. Up until now, our response has been, "Bite Me"...."Who's Your Daddy?" People, this is a sick, pathetic, sadistic madman. Name calling: don't do nothing.
I, for one, am tired of talking. I, for one, am gonna let my piece do my talking!
I, for one, am gonna blow a couple caps, in Joe Cartoon's ass! Deep down inside every one of you, you know full-well that this is our only resort! We have a right in this country to defend ourselves from jeopardy! I'm gonna blow a couple caps in his ass! Yeah! Who's with me?!
-Mr. Gerbil's Genocide Speech
Mean Away Messages
We Salute You
© CGI Inc. 2009