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Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone
2. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
3. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
4. Man with one chopstick go hungry
5. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
6. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
7. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk
8. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
9. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
10. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
11. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
12. Man who fart in church sit in own pew
13. Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Today we salute you,
Mr. Backyard Bug Zapper Inventor.
Not content to harmlessly repel insects with lotion,
You discovered a way to fry them with electricity until their bodies explode.
Ah the sounds of summer:
The blood-curdling scream of a moth having 700 volts of electricity shooting through its body.
(music to my ears)
Every night a magical explosion of exoskeleton and insect goo that can only mean one thing:
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. June Bug Blaster,
Then sit back, and watch the fireworks.
"I'm not here right now, until I come back, here's some insightful teachings of the great Chinese philosopher Confucius until I return:"
Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof when your own doorstep is unclean.
Things that are done, it is needless to speak about; things that are past, it is needless to blame.
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change.
Do not do onto others that you would not want others to do onto you.
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.
We should feel sorrow, but not sink under its oppression.
He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior.
"My personal favorite:"
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
Twas the night before Christmas, In Vegas no qualms.
Paris Hilton was banging some guy at the Palms
Then Courtney Love flew in her private charter sleigh,
A landing so perfect, her armtracks led the way.
There's Anna Nicole in great shape, she's hiking in,
with bottles of Trimspa and buckets of Vicadin.
Is that the Sum 41 guy with Avril Lavign?
No way, she's the hardest core, hardcore punkrocker, I've ever seen.
I went to a strip club after a couple of beers.
I saw a pretty pole dancer, hey it's Brittney Spears.
With cut-off Daisy Dukes, hair blonde as honey,
Why is she stripping for dollars? Her husband Kevin took all her money.
Now Lindsay, now Mishca, Nicole Ritchey take care.
Someone's hurling into the toilet. It's Tara Reid, hold her hair.
I know she hates Lohan but Lindsay, Here's some drama,
Hillary Duff is in the corner f*cking Wilmer Valderama.
Who's that up in the ghost bar, wide eyed and out too late?
Asking if her ass looks too fat, it's Ashley with Mary-Kate.
So "It Girls" of Hollywood don't go too far
Cause what happens in Vegas stays in the Star
Mean Away Messages
We Salute You
© CGI Inc. 2009